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How to be happy with yourself, and what are the secrets to happiness? These are the century-old questions that many of us ponder and forever chase after.
Wouldn’t it be good if happiness were a natural part of being human? Then we wouldn’t have to expend so much energy running in circles, trying to figure out the secrets to true happiness.
In my 30 years of life, I have experienced joy and sorrow, realisations and heartbreaks. Most importantly, I have learned valuable lessons along the way.
Mentors are all around us if we seek. They may be someone close to us, an influencer online, an author, a stranger, or even a foe.
In this post, I’ll share, in no particular order, my top 10 secrets to happiness from my own life lessons and stories.
If you find them useful, please spread the love, share and leave a comment below.
1. Don’t Compare Yourself to Others
It’s hard to be a saint and resist the temptation to keep up with the Joneses, especially when you live in a tight-knit community where the Joneses are all around you.
How often do you find yourself feeling miserable about your own life while looking at other people’s Instagram posts?
Here’s a reminder: people always share the highlights of their lives on social media – those few seconds of glory.
What you see or hear accounts for only a fraction of their lives. Wouldn’t it be silly to compare your entire life to someone else’s fleeting moments?
Don’t get me wrong; there’s nothing wrong with wanting more. We all desire a better life, a happy family, and simply… to be happy!
So how do you find happiness? The secret actually lies within yourself.
Instead of comparing your life to others, compare yourself to who you were yesterday.
You will find peace and happiness within yourself when your heart is content with what you achieved yesterday.
And if you’re not satisfied with your past self, turn this discontentment into a drive and motivation instead.
To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.
Albert Camus
As a travel blogger, it’s almost inevitable to be consumed by social media.
I often scroll through endless photos of gorgeous girls travelling around the world, wearing the prettiest dresses and staying in luxury resorts.
At the beginning of my Instagram journey, I spent a huge amount of effort trying to keep up.
It didn’t take long to realise that nothing I did was ever good enough.
I drained my partner with constant demands for the perfect shot. Worst of all, I began to dislike photography, which had been a big passion of mine.
I was unhappy.
I took a long hiatus from social media and finally found peace within myself.
I developed a habit of writing a diary and asking myself what I had achieved yesterday, the week before, and the previous year. When I flipped through the pages of my diary from months ago, I felt supercharged by how far I had come.
That is one reason why you don’t see me on social media very often.
2. Educate Yourself, Financial Educate Yourself
There’s an abundance of knowledge out there, and just as much money as well.
Your financial health often mirrors your personal development.
In this virtual game of life, AI chatbots answers all of your questions with a click of a button. A sound investment can significantly grow your bank balance over time.
Whether you like it or not, money can buy happiness, and money can buy freedom.
I’m not saying money will get you all the happiness in the world, but without it, life can be hard and when you’re constantly worrying about bills to pay, it’s hard to be happy.
If you consider all the problems that make you unhappy in life, how many of them can be resolved with money? Financial freedom is one of the many secrets to happiness.
So if you want to be happy: educate yourself, nourish your mind, and financial freedom will follow.
To sum up, one of the most life-changing secrets to happiness is opening your mind to education, particularly financial education.
If a man empties his purse into his head, no man can take it away from him. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
Benjamin Franklin
We have a family tradition of blocking out an hour a day for PD (personal development).
Actually, PD can happen at any time. Whenever you have questions or doubts in your mind, don’t just brush them off – AI is your friend!
I didn’t even know there was something called ‘PD’ in my early 20s, until I met a banker in Australia who asked me if I would consider investing my money in a bank account.
I asked, “What does investing mean?”
Ever since then, my personal development seemed to gravitate towards the financial aspects of my life.
3. Dream Big & Hold On to Your Dream
Dream bigger than the universe, so that nothing else matters more.
Because not only you’ll be amazed at what you can achieve, people and events will no longer bother you as well.
Don’t lose this focus.
Let your dreams become the only things that triggers your emotions, because dreams and ideas will never let you down and make you unhappy.
If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not people or things.
Albert Einstein
My partner and I bonded over property investment when we were still friends. He taught me that if your offer doesn’t embarrass you, then it’s too high.
At that time, my dream was to own a small studio apartment furnished with designer pieces and a piano. I achieved that dream a year later.
Then, I hit a bottleneck. Sitting on my designer queen bed and staring at my giant TV, I felt completely empty and lost.
So I asked my partner what his dreams were, and he wanted to own an island and build a metropolis.
“Ha ha”, I scoffed.
Fast-forward to today, we’re now ticking off our goals as a family, one by one.
We quickly realised that the bigger the dreams are, the greater the resistance from people around us.
That’s why holding on to your dreams is easier said than done.
Write them down and recite them every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to bed. That way, you don’t lose sight of the big picture during tough times when all hopes seem lost.
And when you do reach even just a small milestone, that’s when you’ll realise the secrets to happiness come from yourself and your dreams.
4. Be Passionate & Don’t Be Afraid To Say No
Life is short, don’t spend time doing things you don’t enjoy.
We are often tricked into thinking we must do things we don’t like to make a living or please someone.
That is far from the truth.
If you ask me how to be happy without working hard, I’d say find your passion and work smart.
If you are consistently doing things you are passionate about and say no to the things that are not a ‘heck yes’, you will unlock the secrets to happiness far quicker.
The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.
Fabienne Fredrickson
In case you’re new here, I’m Asian.
My conservative family lived their whole traditional life by the rules, saying yes to everything while self-comforting into believing that they were happy.
Growing up, that was the way things were, and there were no alternative ways of thinking or living.
So I grew up walking the same path, doing the same things and telling myself the same lies.
It was travelling that changed my life.
Travel introduced me to the colours and the diversity of life.
I learned that it is OK to be different.
In fact, being different is being unique, and unique is being praised upon in today’s society.
Now I understand why people say ‘travel broadens the mind’.
Everyone has a passion, something you love doing with all your heart, something you go to sleep dreaming about and wake up thinking about.
Do just that!
So listen to your heart, what makes it happy?
Don’t worry about what the society tells you, what paths your family has laid for you, do what you’re passionate about, and don’t be afraid to say no to everything else!
5. Stay Present
We can’t control what the future holds, nor can we change what has already happened in the past, so don’t worry about what may never happen.
Let tomorrow’s problem be tomorrow’s worry, don’t imagine the worst, make up all the possible scenarios in your head and dwell on the past.
Learn from history and let the future be.
Stay present, give it your best ‘now’ and let the rest go.
Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”
Eckhart Tolle
My dad was a perfectionist. He predicted the future, preempted all possible problems, and dwelled on not having a perfect life.
Yup, I grew up to be the same way.
It wasn’t until I packed my bags after quitting my job, broke up with my ex, moved out of my balcony bedroom, and sat at a bus stop with all my belongings in a suitcase that I asked myself, “How the heck did I get here?”
At that moment, someone handed me a book – The Power of Now.
This book changed my life.
Initially, when I read the first few pages of The Power of Now, I thought the author was a bit mental.
What on earth did he mean by “the tree was greener”?
However, a few weeks later, halfway through the book, I began to understand the power of “NOW.”
It was so relatable to what I was going through – stressing over what-ifs and whining about my regrets – that I had forgotten to live in the present.
In the following years, I consciously reminded myself to stay present, especially when things weren’t going my way.
It was easier said than done, but I felt the impact of “now.”
Gradually and miraculously, I felt liberated.
6. Separate Emotions & Reality
As human beings, our emotions trigger our actions, and actions lead to consequences.
It is said that 80% of success depends on your EQ.
And the good news is, everyone has a chance to improve their EQ.
If you want to learn how to be happy with yourself, take action without reaction.
Another clever quote that’s easier said than done, you say.
It may take years to master this skill, but as a starting point, be conscious of the fact vs myth.
Separate perspectives and reality, analyse your emotions before taking action.
Last but not least, practice, practice, practice.
True strength lies in action. Let the weak react to me.
Kamahl
If I had measured my EQ score a decade ago, it would have probably been well below average.
I spoke without thinking and relentlessly expressed brutal truths and my biased opinions.
This trait served me well in the corporate world, and it was likely one reason why none of my jobs lasted more than a year.
However, the positives that emerged from this situation were transformative.
Once I came to this realisation, I started practicing the art of separating my emotions from events.
Although I still fall back into that trap every so often, it has become clear that emotional intelligence is closely related to the quality and happiness of life.
So, if having a high EQ is one of the secrets to happiness, then it is undoubtedly a skill worth learning.
7. Love Yourself
Love yourself; love your family; love your friends; heck, love your enemies, and spread your love.
The biggest hatreds melt in front of love.
There’s something to love about in every person, and there’s something to love about in every situation.
Once you find them, you’ll eliminate half of the negative emotions that lead to unhappiness.
Instead of shedding light on how to be happy with yourself, this is one lesson on how not to be happy with yourself.
So, destroy that little daemon, the voice that plays with your kindness, the devil that thrives on hate, and you will find yourself 10x happier.
Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
Oscar Wilde
To be honest, I wasn’t sure what love was until my late 20s.
My mum was a cynical person who didn’t like many people around her.
I came to live with her in New Zealand at the age of 11 after my parents divorced.
Like mother, like daughter – I didn’t like many people either and didn’t even realise that I needed to love myself first.
As a result, my friends drifted away, and boys came and went, yet I was unaware of my own unhappiness.
That all changed when my former best friend told me that I needed to love myself first, and that everyone else would naturally come along for the ride.
To my surprise, that statement couldn’t be more true.
As soon as I started working on myself, pursuing my passions, and learning to love myself, I found that I began to love others as well.
More and more people were drawn to that love and became important parts of my life.
So learn to be happy with yourself first.
When your heart is filled with love, your world lights up, and the compounding effect kicks in.
You will attract like-minded individuals, and thus, the cycle of happiness begins.
8. Care Less, not Careless
If you look back in life, what are the things you recall being a big deal?
Life always changes for the better, if you allow it.
When you find yourself in a situation you don’t like, ask yourself, can you change it?
- If yes, change it.
- If no, can you remove yourself from the situation?
- If that’s also a no, then it’s a waste of your energy dwelling on what you can’t change, so care less.
Be selective on the opinions that you let into your ears, eliminate the negative and unnecessary.
Be selective on who you befriend because more friends do not mean more happiness.
It’s much better to have a selected group of friends who positively impact your life.
You can’t please everybody anyway, so care less about being everyone’s friend and care more about friends that matter.
A smile is happiness you’ll find right under your nose!
Tom Wilson
I used to be someone who got really upset by a thumbs-down on my social media posts.
I thought everyone liked me – how could they not?
But no matter how hard I tried, there were always criticisms and negativity surrounding me.
One fine day, I became fed up with the noise around me and decided to close my ears for good.
I developed a thick skin and started to be selective about what I allowed into my head, no longer worrying about upsetting anyone.
As a result, I began to feel mentally free for the first time.
I stopped worrying about what others thought or said about me, and I let go of concerns about their approval or disapproval.
Best of all, I was no longer ashamed to live the nomadic life I had always wanted.
That achievement of spiritual freedom brought me so much happiness and fulfillment that I truly believe caring less equals living more.
9. Adapt to Changes
Adapt to survive, adapt to thrive.
We are born to adapt to our environments, don’t lose that flexibility.
Only when you adapt to the changes around you, do you have the freedom to be happy.
You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend.
Bruce Lee
I like my little bubble just the way it is, but sadly, everything and everyone around me always changes.
I’ve had a hard time adapting to the grief of losing friends, making new friends, relocating, and job-hopping.
I used to cry over these changes. How can I be happy if the things and people that make me happy keep changing?
Some years ago, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and backpacked around Europe for two months.
The drastic lifestyle change made me realise that changes can actually be exciting.
Changes bring new opportunities, open up new doors, push you forward in life, and make you stronger!
You may discover a whole new you that you never even knew existed.
So, if you’re like me and hate changes, the secret to happiness is learning to embrace and adapt to changes with an open mind and see where it takes you.
10. Appreciate More
It’s so easy to under-appreciate what we currently have and forget to be grateful for the valuable things that we do have.
It’s called the Law of Familiarity, and it happens to the best of us.
One way to be happy with yourself is to maintain an attitude of gratitude.
Gratitude will change your perspectives and brighten up your day without needing anything else to change in your life.
It is the easiest way to be happy.
I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
Gandhi
Recently, our family has adopted a new habit of naming 3 things we are grateful for.
We do this whenever someone in the family complains about something, which is on a regular basis.
This habit has brought our minds to a brighter side, reminded us of how far we’ve come together and why we are still together.
As parents of two young children, we schedule date nights to reminiscence and give ourselves a reason to be mushy.
We practice gratitude and share our appreciation for each other.
Life as parents is damn hard, and being appreciated is one secret to happiness.
Last Notes
Happiness is as fragile as roses, it needs to be watered and repaired constantly, it takes work to be happy.
So how do you be happy?
- Don’t compare yourself to others, compare yourself to who you were yesterday.
- Educate yourself, financial educate yourself and feed your mind.
- Dream big and hold on to your dreams.
- Find your passion and don’t be afraid to say no.
- Stay present and live in the ‘now’.
- Work on your EQ. Separate emotions and reality.
- Learn to love yourself first.
- Care less, be selective on who you hang out with.
- Learn to adapt to changes.
- Appreciate more, practice gratitude.
Live. Love. Thrive.
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∞ Kida